100 Ways to Annoy Scipio Bellorum
by Boomerang Fish
Summary: A howto guide to driving the evil general insane. Featuring: falling anvils, Dancin' Hamsters and Thirrin. IT'S GOING PAST 100! So suggest stuff.
1. 1 to 15

A Bazillion Ways to Annoy Scipio Bellorum

Everyone who's read Cry of the Icemark hates General Bellorum. I just decided to turn my Bellorum hate into a fanfic-specifically a list of ways to annoy him. You don't need to have read the book to think it's funny, but you do need to have read at least some of my fic Icemark Inboxes. Also, see my profile to learn what exactly a Who's Your Daddy stick is. If you review with suggestions of your own I will post them.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Icemark, but I DO own the idea for this ficcy. Yay me.

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**Ways 1 to 15**

1.) Hide the coffee!

2.) Draw a mustache on him in Sharpie when he's asleep.

3.) Clone the beavers!

4.) Duct tape Soren and Commander Anthonius to him and make sure they're both on a sugar rush.

5.) Put laxative in his morning coffee.

6.) Play the didgeridoo in his ear.

7.) Have a hamster race. Whoever's hamster wins gets the Icemark, and make sure his hamster is paralyzed.

8.) Sing High School Musical at the top of your lungs and do the dances. This is annoying believe me.

9.) Have 1,509,270,572 Mariachi bands invade the camp and tell him that he can't get rid of them until he says sorry to Thirrin for all that he's done.

10.) Tell him that the only way he can possibly win the war is to walk unarmed through a room of Icemark fans/ Bellorum haters armed with Who's Your Daddy sticks.

11.) Hit him with the Who's Your Daddy stick every time he mentions conquering Frostmarris.

12.) Trap him in a room filled with CLOWNS!

13.) Force him to watch Teletubbies and Barney for hours on end.

14.) Tell Thirrin how to make nukes and then laugh in his face because all he's got are some lame old cannons ha ha.

15.)Tell him that he can never win because this is a children's book.

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**A/N: **Hallow mallows. So how did you like Ways 1 to 15? If anyone is still wondering what exactly a Who's Your Daddy stick is, it is a paddle about a foot long that says Who's Your Daddy on it. If you haven't read my fic Icemark Inboxes, then you'll be wondering what some of the jokes meant. In the fic Bellorum is obsessed with coffee to the point where he acts like Gollum and has made enemies of a whole army of Evil Beavers (like from the Simpsons). Soren and Commander Anthonius are two stupid staff officer people. If you readers have any ideas on how to annoy Bellorum, by all means review. I promise to post them and give you guys credit! Thankies for reading! 


	2. Holiday Ways to Annoy Bellorum

Disclaimer: I do not own the Icemark, but I DO own the idea for this ficcy.

HOLIDAY ways to Annoy Scipio Bellorum! I know these are a little late, but the story just got published so here they are. They are not numbered.

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-On Christmas morning give him a post-it that says COAL on it, and then laugh at him because he didn't even get real coal. Make sure the rest of the Icemark cast got super-fantabulous amazing presents.

-Write the song "Bellorum Got Run Over by a Reindeer", and then make sure all the radio stations play it. Then ask him what it's like to be run over by a sled carrying presents for all the children in the world and a fat guy.

-Wait until he's addressing the entire army and then say that he believes in Santa Claus.

-Make him listen to the radio from the day after Thanksgiving to Christmas, because all they play is annoying covers of Christmas carols and it will drive him insane.

- Sign him up to be one of those mall Santas. After about three hours of kids drooling on him, pulling his beard, and wiping their sticky slobbery hands all over his face, get him fired for not being jolly enough.

- Tell him the ONLY way to get all those advanced weapons he asked for for Christmas is to say sorry to Thirrin and take his armies out of the Icemark and promise never to return.

-If he does that, wait until Christmas day, then give him makeup and fluffy bunny slippers and a DVD of Charlie the Unicorn and those pink bunny PJs that Ralphie got in A Christmas Story and basically all the girly stuff you could find. Then run for your life.

-Steal his armor, sword, pistols, and any other general-ish stuff of his and put on top of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. When he gets a ladder to climb up and get it back, wait until he's almost at the top then push the ladder over.

-Superglue mistletoe all over his helmet right before he goes to duel with Thirrin. When they're both facing each other go "Isn't that so CUTE???" and point at the mistletoe on his helmet.

-At those New Years parties where everyone stays up until midnight and gets drunk, wait until all the staff officer people and him get stinking drunk then convince them all to get on a table and do the Can-Can.

-Right before midnight when everyone's doing the countdown knock him out when they hit 2.

-When he's all drunk, convince him to dress in a baby costume because it's the New Year.

-On New Years day wake him up at 3 in the morning and dance around saying "IT'S A NEW YEAR! IT'S A FRESH START! IT'S A NEW YEAR! IT'S A FRESH START!" repeat the whole New Year thing about 15, 20 times.

-Give Thirrin photos of him drunk at the Christmas party or New Years party, and then she can blackmail him with them.

-Put a piece of string in a box. Convince Bellorum that you have photos of him drunk at the Christmas/New Years party. Say you'll give him the contents of the box if he does embarrassing stuff like run around in a llama suit, talk in a ridiculous French accent, give all his staff officers hugs, stuff like that. Take videos of him doing the stuff. Then give him the box and when he sees it's just string, laugh in his face, post the videos on YouTube then run for your life.

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**A/N: **Hallow again. Reviews are nice, I would really like to hear people's thoughts on the list and know that people are reading my stuff. And also, if you haven't read Cry of the Icemark, you are missing out my friends. Go read it, it's COOL! 


	3. 16 to 59 and a Reader Suggestion

I do not own Cry of the Icemark or Blade of Fire. I am making this list simply for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of anyone else who happens to like Icemark and hate Bellorum. Also, I might use the same or similar ideas for A Bazillion Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort. They can be used for either.

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16.) At the end of Blade of Fire, at his death scene, run around singing the Best Day Ever song from SpongeBob at the top of your lungs. _It's the beeeeeeest daaaaaaaaaaaay eeeeeeeeever!!!!!!!!!_

17.) Packing Peanuts! Throw them at him, fill his tent with them, send him them for Christmas…you get the idea.

18.) Wait until he's sleeping and then run into his tent with a huge rock and whack him with it all the while yelling SPIDERS! SPIDERS SPIDERS SPIDERS _SPIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

19.) Trap him in River City Iowa and make him play tuba in the marching band.

20.) Erase all his knowledge of army stuff and trap him in a room and tell him the only way to get out is to know all there is to know about army stuff.

21.) Dress him up as Dora the Explorer while he's asleep and dress Commander Anthonius as Boots and make them brainwashed to talk just like in the show.

22.) Forge a note to Thirrin from him asking her out and laugh when 1.) He starts violently swearing 2.) Thirrin hits him upside the head and 3.) All the tabloid reporters mob his tent and ask him questions like "how long have you felt this way" and stuff like that.

23.) Wait until he's sleeping and dye his hair red like people from the Icemark. When he wakes up act all shocked and point and stuff. Then conveniently find a bottle of whatever color Bellorum's hair is dye (that you planted in his tent) and act even more shocked and invite reporters from major news channels and papers and…well you basically get the idea.

24.) Fill his tent with those Dancin' Hamster toys (specifically the one that sings Kung Fu Fightin') turn them all on then break the off switch. Make sure they are grenade/cannon/gun/missile/bomb/sledgehammer/tank/flamethrower-proof.

25.) Walk up to him randomly and yell "OH MY GOD LOOK OUT A NUKE!" Do it again and again and again too. If this doesn't stress a guy out, nothing will.

26.) Yell DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN whenever he enters the room.

27.) Tell him that Voldemort is so a better villain than he is.

28.) Throw the Big Ball of Zeeky H-Guilt at him.

29.) Trap him in a room with the annoying blah from the Demented Cartoon Movie. Boing dedoing dedoingdedoing!

30.) Whenever you talk to him say "like" every other word. Like, OMG that's like totally a like ugly uniform OMG like I can't like believe you'd like go OUT in that!

31.) Invite Princess Azula from A:TLA to his camp and when she introduces herself say "Don't they look so CUTE together!"

32.) Lock him and Thirrin in a closet and play Cascada's "Everytime we Touch" until he goes mad. – **Spiritual Bob **

33.) Repeat Number 31 only lock him in with Sulla, Octavius or a random man character.

34.) Go up to him and ask him if his lip gloss is poppin'.

35.) Make his life a sitcom. Then, whenever he does something, invisible people will laugh hysterically.

36.) Make Icemark an old cartoon where anvils and pianos fall on the villain (him).

37.) During his Deus Imperator speech, run up, grab him by the shoulders and start shaking him yelling "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

38.) After he makes his big speech about how the Deus Imperator is not real, drop a Bible on his head.

39.) Repeat Number 27, only use (your choice) a crucifix, incense pot, heavy Communion goblet, stone tablet, Ark of the Covenant, ice cold holy water, or other religious stuff, then say in a creepy voice "God is aiming at you!"

40.) Before he goes off to battle, spray him with water. Tell him its holy water and you don't understand why he's so mad.

41.) Try to exorcise him.

42.) Make him uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugly.

43.) Tie his bootlaces together right before he's about to lead a charge. Then he'll trip and everyone else will fall on him.

44.) Make Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" his theme music and when he comes in have everyone around break down and do the robot.

45.) Paint your name (or Thirrin's) on the Sky Navy's flagship. Now that it has your name on it it's yours right?

46.) Make the Black Army the Pink Army.

47.) Spray paint faces on the front of the sky ships (like the kind they put on planes in WW2).

48.) Get him on Pimp My Ride and have them do a makeover on the sky ships or that carriage he had at the beginning of the book. Sky ships would be more annoying though.

49.) When he's evilly laughing, replace the usual ominous music with the song "Barbie Girl".

50.) Make sure Octavius is missing for a few weeks. When Bellorum asks where he is, say he went to Vegas with Cressida.

51.) A few days after this, go up to him and tell him in 9 months he's going to be a grandpa.

52.) Tell him you see dead people.

53.) Tell him you see stupid people. When he asks where they are point at him.

54.) Before Blade of Fire, ask him about his twin sons. When he says "what twin sons?" accuse him of child neglect and call the police.

55.) Stab HIM with a big wooden stake. See how HE likes it.

56.) Make Sulla and Octavius sulky (or emo or punk) teenagers, and have them be all "I don't have to listen to YOU", play death metal at ridiculously loud volumes, and/or shave their heads and get huge amounts of piercings and tattoos.

57.) Whenever he begins to say something, interrupt him saying "YOU'RE WRONG!"

58.) Get him fired. Honestly, being an army general is the only thing he's got going for him. And nobody likes getting fired. Optional: hire Thirrin in his place.

59.) When he's mad at his staff officers and is all "And who commands this army?" shout out "YO MOMMA!"

AND BONUS WAY TO ANNOY SULLA AND OCTAVIUS!!!!

-Tell them you're their new "mommy" now, wink at General Bellorum then send them to boarding school.

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A/N: This list is so much fun to do! Thank you Spiritual Bob for the suggestion.

I noticed when Googling Cry of the Icemark and clicking on results from there are a LOT of people listing it as one of their favorite books. So why are there so few fics for it? If you're reading this and you like Icemark, PLEASE write for it! We need more Icemark fanfiction!


	4. 60 to 100 with a Bonus Way

Yayz, it is Chapter Four and we get up to 100 ways to annoy Bellorum. And a bonus way, woo!

Disclaimer: The Icemark Chronicles aren't mine, and neither is 2319 (it's from Monsters Inc.)

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60.) Run up to him pointing urgently in some random direction shouting "2319! We have a 2319!!!" and see what he does.

61.) Look at him weirdly and say "I know why sexy _left_"

62.) When he comes back from battle, say "I don't know, but I spotted_ several_ big mistakes."

63.) Arrange the fingers on both his fake hands so that they're flipping him off.

64.) Put an electromagnet outside his tent so that his fake hand will get stuck to it, preferably when it's attached to him.

65.) A few days after Number 64, point behind him and yell "LOOK OUT! AN** ELECTROMAGNET**!!!!" Laugh when he flinches.

66.) Whenever he passes by, laugh and then try to cover it up with a cough. He won't be able to sleep 'cause he's trying to figure out what you're laughing at.

67.) Get "Gotta Go My Own Way" from High School Musical 2 stuck in his head.

68.) Stare at him weirdly, doing the Eyebrow Thing, for a really long time.

69.) When he's going off to battle, snort and go "Tsk. _Last season_'s armor. How tacky."

70.) When he's explaining tactics in a meeting say, "_Duh_" really loudly.

71.) Say loudly to the person next to you, "Don't you think he's balding a little?"

72.) After this, offer him Hair in a Can (from the SpongeBob movie)

73.) Go up to him on parade, shove a teddy bear in his face and yell, "You left Pooky Bear in the mess tent! How COULD you?!?!?!"

74.) Whenever he says something insulting about Thirrin, yell, "Oh no you _didn't!_" in his ear. (Daily Show joke)

75.) Put Superglue in his boots in the morning before he puts them on. Then he will never ever be able to take his feet out again.

76.) Spray Febreze all over his stuff when he can see you, then leave some men's he puts them on deodorant in his tent.

77.) Make him wear The Boot from SpongeBob. (In case you don't know, The Boot is very stinky)

78.) Wonder out loud how he can be over sixty, and not look all wrinkly and gross. Optional: run up to him when he's addressing the entire Polypontian army and yell "HA HA! I STOLE YOUR BOTOX!!!!!"

79.) Julius Caesar kept journals. Since according to Wikipedia he is similar to Julius Caesar, ask if he keeps journals. Search his tent and find a sparkly pink journal (that you planted there, of course). Optional: write stuff in it. In sparkly glitter pen. It could be about how he has a hopeless crush on Thirrin.

80.) Get the Waka Laka song stuck in his head. Make it his theme song. When he really, really hates it, sing it distractingly in the middle of a battle, right in his ear.

81.) Dare him to eat Pop Rocks and chug soda at the same time. When he says no, roll your eyes and go "Wimp."

82.) Put Mentos in a 2 liter bottle of Diet Coke, shake it up, and slam it on the ground at such an angle that it flies up and whacks him on the head.

83.) Make him swallow some of the helium from the sky-ships right before he addresses the army. Then his voice will be all squeaky!

84.) Ask him how on earth he intends to get through airport security with those metal hands.

85.) Ask him why he still calls Thirrin "queenling" even though everyone knows she is in her thirties. Say, "Maaaaaaybe…it's because you LIKE her!"

86.) When he and Thirrin are facing each other, play that song that goes "secret love…"

87.) Comment that his battle tactics need more cowbell.

88.) Put itching powder in his uniform.

89.) Fill his bed with porcupines on steroids.

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90.) Get him and Thirrin to play 'Off-ground' Tag in the middle of the battlefield. Thirrin can use Tharaman-Thar as base - Chaos!

91.) When his army is charging forwards, get Thirrin's to stay back, then when ALL the enemy is on the field, play 'Everybody Dance Now' as loud as possible.

92.) Challenge him to arm wrestling when he's lost his hand.

93.) Get Yoshi (the green dinosaur from 'Super Mario') to lick him whenever he's in front of anyone, or, when he becomes paranoid, give Yoshi an Invisiblity Cloak (from Harry Potter) and suction cups that work on tent walls.

94.) Bombard him with small guinea pigs with parachutes and pea-shooters.

95.) Get Thirrin an alliance with the pink and purple flying mushrooms that haunt me so...

96.) As he sucks at both Pacman and the Bubble game, get him 42 classic games for the DS and laugh whenever he flunks.

97.) Challenge him to a dancing competition and get Odie (from Garfield the Movie) to go against him for Thirrin's team.

98.) Write 'IDIOT' on his forehead in permenant and flourescent yellow marker and get everyone he meets to laugh and point but not tell him why.

99.) Make him bend over to pick up a cup of coffee in front of his men and then rip a piece of fabric behind him. Laugh at his stricken and terrified expression. - **Tigerwulf**

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100.) Fill a piece of buttercrunch with Superglue on the day before a huge army announcement. He will eat it (because buttercrunch is awesome), get his mouth stuck shut and not be able to talk at his army announcement. **–Silver Wind Neko  
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**BONUS! 101.)** Read this fic to him out loud, slowly. **–Boomerang Fish** again

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**A/N:** WOOHOO! 100 ways to annoy Scipio Bellorum, plus a bonus way! Even though the title says 100 ways, I'm continuing this, since it's just so much fun.

Bye for now, but if you're waiting for the next update, read Icemark Inboxes, it's my first fic and if anything MORE random than this. And leave suggestions!

-Boomerang Fish


	5. It's Going Past 100!

Because 100 ways to annoy Scipio Bellorum are simply not enough, here's chapter 5.

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101.) Ask him if he was such a great general why he needed an entire army to come to his rescue from a one on one combat with a fourteen year old girl then burst out laughing.

102.) Talk to him only in chatspeak and when he asks you what the acronyms mean say "you don't know?" and bust out laughing at him shortly before runing away at top speed -** bookcrzygirl**

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103.) Brag to Thirrin that Bellorum is doing well in the mental ward. Even go as far as to tell her that you just got him pottytrained. Watch his reaction and make a note to give him more medicine when you get back to the hospital. - **Werewolf-of-Alagaesia**

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104.) When he's about to log on to his account for Icemark Inboxes, make his background to one of those "LykOMGttly" girl stuff and change his account name to pinkgrlygrl. - **Silver Wind Neko**

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105.) Everytime he says something, contradict him by saying, 'No honey, that a bad word, you shouldn't be saying such inappropiate things deary.' - **Synonymous Brian**

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106.) Grafitti Bellorum's horse with the words " Scipio + Vampire Queen 4 ever", paint it on the horses bum so he can't see it but the rest of his troops can.:) - **midnight noodle**

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107.) Superglue photos of Thirrin's face to every surface in his tent.

108.) Replace all of his staff officers with knights who say "ni".

109.) Give him a list of all the dead people who are way cooler than he is.

110.) Tell him that to be a really awesome evil villain, he needs a theme song. Sing various theme songs that he could choose, including: HampsterDance, the Batman song, "The Final Countdown", the Darth Vader song, the SpongeBob theme song, "Viva la Vida", "White and Nerdy", and the Indiana Jones song.

111.) When he refuses to choose a theme song, pick one for him. Make sure it's the least evil thing you can think of, and _very_ annoying.

112.) Also, to be a truly evil villain, you need a cool costume. Show him Photoshop pictures of him in various costumes, including: the Joker (from the new movie), Batman, the villain costumes from the cheesy Seventies Batman movies, Mermaid Man's costume, Indiana Jones, Darth Vader, and a hamster suit.

113.) Post said pictures all around the army camp.

114.) When he is facing the Vampire King in combat, inform him that Batman (aka the Vampire King) _always _beats the Joker.

115.) Whenever he's in his tent, pull out one of the tent poles so the whole thing collapses on him. Then inform him that real evil villains know how to pitch their tents correctly. - **Boomerang Fish**

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Keep those suggestions coming, they're hilarious. Annoying Bellorum is quite fun. I think when LBOTI comes out in the United States, I'll post "How to Annoy" fics with the new LBOTI villains. Mua ha ha.


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